the lovelies | 100
a couple months ago, i happened upon a conversation between the lovelies.
i walked into a discussion about a school friend who had received a text from another gal pal. the text included profane name calling. and the lovelies were betwixt whether they ought to be friends with either of these girls at all.
we’ve raised the girls to not use the words stupid, fat, or hate. as someone who places a high premium on vocabulary, i know these words are rarely used well. and they become hurtful missiles with a careless slip of the tongue. that said, whenever the lovelies hear a widely accepted bad word, they tend to freeze and/or really freak out.
they asked me what i thought.
well. . .the name-calling girl was easy. i suggested some distance from her.
but, i paused on how to guide them in handling the other pal. while the text wasn’t her fault (name calling is never necessary), she was engaging her classmates in gossip + gander. and that snagged the lovelies (and me). big time.
i was raised with the strict notion we are under the influence of those we spend our time with. naturally, i tested this during my teens and twenties, hanging out with a wide assortment of unsavoriness. and it is precisely because of those experiences i am full circle in my belief we are indeed a composite of those we spend our time around.
yet.
the world is not perfect. we are going to bump up against people who simply have different standards. that is life.
so.
i broke it down to letter grades.
“you know how sometimes you get an 80 on a test? an 80 isn’t a bad grade, is it?”
{complete agreement.}
“it means you did well enough, but if you don’t pay attention to your mistakes and improve some, you could slip into a 70 or below on the next test, right?”
{more in-unison nodding.}
“we have high expectations for both of you. we expect you to be well-mannered. you know we don’t use certain words in our house because they are hurtful. and because of our rules, you sometimes have to make different decisions than your friends. which is why i consider you ‘100’ kids.”
{smiles.}
“however, everyone is different with different opinions of what is acceptable for kids. and it doesn’t necessarily make those kids bad. it just means they might be allowed to do things that are off-limits to you. and, so, they would be more like ’80’ kids.”
“remember, an ’80’ isn’t bad, but a ‘100’ feels better so it doesn’t make sense to drop your ‘100’ for an ’80.'”
“stay close to the ’90’ and ‘100’ kids around you. and don’t worry so much about the ’80’ kids; perhaps they are more school friends instead of bff’s, okay?”
somehow, this makes perfect sense to them, and it’s been soaking deep down into their own roots ever since.
tribes shape our tender trajectories. so. i believe we must pay attention to how others make us feel in their presence. because when we honor ourselves with boundaries, we fuel our ability to live a good life.
xo
